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An Experience of Secondary Inertia
The article that follows is a copy of an English Oral Examination which our daughter gave for her 1991 GCSE.
We thought it might be a comic inclusion in Dog Antics - It was entitled,
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MISS C. BROWN, AGED 16-3/4
I an going to tell you about a recent experience which I just know you will enjoy.
It happened one pleasant evening when the sun was setting silently in the west and my mum looking up at me and calmly saying, "Claire! Get your butt over here, Bonnie is in trouble".
I cautiously rose from my chair and peered into the whelping box and sure enough Bonnie was straining like a good'un. Mum seemed to be in a panic and kept mumbling words I cannot repeat. But the general gist was that Bonnie was in some difficulty and after a casual telephone call to the vet mum looked at me and said, "Get the car door open, Quick!". Within a matter of seconds the dog, my mum, the blankets, the towels, myself and the kitchen sink were thrown into the back of the car.
Suddenly mum realised that she had to drive, so she climbed into the driver's seat and our journey began. Unfortunately our vet is fifteen miles away and mum is not a confident driver, even in daylight and this wasn't. She has trouble finding the switches at the best of times and concentrating on more than one thing is a strain .... I WAS UNEASY.
At Scaynes Hill a new panic hit me. The rear seat on which I was sitting became extremely wet with a putrid stench. I uttered a simple word, "Aghhhhhh". My head hit the windscreen as mum applied pressure to the foot brake and when we looked I was sitting in a pool of blood. Mum looked at me and I looked at mum and both screamed. My head hit the rear window as mother dear applied the gas.
We were soon cruising across the forest at slightly over eighty-two miles per hour and descended into the surgery where our vet was eagerly waiting. The smile on her face soon changed as mum leapt from the car, leaving me to apply the hand brake.
Once inside the surgery and in our panic, mum's gown, inside out and upside down, was hastily tied on and Bonnie was soon pole-vaulted onto the table and strapped to the four corners. I had no time to think about the situation as the scissors, tubes and needles were flying everywhere. I ducked as a loaded syringe flew past my head on its way to Bonnie. And then the fun began. Oh my God! The blood! I should have worn my wellies. The sound of the scissors cutting through the stomach reminded me of mum cutting the crackling off the pork that we had eaten earlier that day and in no time at all Bonnie's stomach lay wriggling on the table. I found myself stabilising mum to the life support machine, oxygen in hand. The womb was sliced open and I was quickly handed this bloody, slimy, gunge ridden, wriggling lump. I could feel the sick stuck in the back of my throat and promptly joined mum on the life support machine. A few whiffs of oxygen later, I realised I had a puppy.
Within minutes we had six screaming little puppies, but our attentions were soon diverted to Bonnie. I wish I had worn my waders!
The veterinary called us over and said, "Eere, have a look at this, it's a right mess in here. I think we will have to spay her". I quickly re-plugged mum to the life support machine as the vet cut out the insides of Bonnie and promptly lifted the bloody mess and slopped it into the bucket, across the room.
At this point I wasn't feeling too good and had to succumb and sit in the recovery room awaiting my dog. After a short recovery period, we loaded Bonnie and babies into the car and waved happily goodbye to our vet, who was mopping up the surgery floor. The panic over, we settled ourselves to a quiet journey home.
We had been driving for some twenty minutes when suddenly we realised that neither of us recognised our surroundings. it appears that the "Nitrous" which Bonnie had been given had also affected us and mum had lost her sense of direction. A new panic struck me. "I wanna go home!", I yelled and looking across at mum I could see the tears of despair rolling down her cheeks.
Fortunately our panic was short lived as the car seemed to know its own way home. As we pulled up, the front door opened and there lay dad.
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